[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”