My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]