MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
You can’t outrun your problems…
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.