Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.