Skills
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[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
why would tinder want me to say this
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Not my job 😂
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Made something I’m not proud of
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.