Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker