Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
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*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
my professor scared me for a second
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.