My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Was it something I said?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.