they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
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commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Seek kebab; not attention
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.