flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
You Might Also Like
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.