*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
incredible text to wake up to
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down