Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*