like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Social Media and Real life
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The Sun’s probably Asian.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin