animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
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watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
i made a craigslist ad !
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?