Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
You Might Also Like
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.