Ok team, today we’re …..oh
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?