No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
You Might Also Like
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.