The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Ah..makes sense now
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
This forever.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever