My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
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[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
why I oughta
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”