ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills