If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention