Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Cinematography is my passion
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*