Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
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Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Coffee for people with no kids
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”