“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
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Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Oh boy, $150,000!