God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?