Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
No, I don’t think I will.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what