[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
bout dat hot dog summer
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
One venti cheeseburger please.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.