Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Oh we’ve met.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.