Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics