Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now