Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
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Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Trying
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa