[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.