6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Don’t make me out nice you.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.