pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
You Might Also Like
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!