Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
#JohnTravolta
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”