A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
*orders delivery*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise