You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
You Might Also Like
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
How funny!
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*