Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy