To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.