Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
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If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Growing up was a huge mistake
why does this building look like a guilty dog
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
You wish you had this many chins.