Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.