Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.