God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
What kind of a cult is this?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.