if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
he looks great for his age
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”