presenting your incognito window wrapped
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If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.