Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
the clam before the storm
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.