I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Sell your car
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.