Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
You Might Also Like
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.