One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
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American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…