[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.